Motherhood

Lately I've been reflecting on motherhood. No, I haven't experienced it for long, but I feel like I've experienced a lot. I never could have imagined the spectrum of emotions I have already felt in only 3 short months. The moment I found out I was pregnant I couldn't keep in my tears. I was pregnant! I just stood over the pregnancy test shaking while tears ran down my face. I couldn't wait to tell Gustavo. I wanted to share the most exciting news of our life with him, but he was on a camp out with the young men. That day seemed to last forever. I calculated my due date and maternity leave, got a book from the library, read countless articles online, and bought prenatal vitamins and 2 more pregnancy tests before Gustavo was able to call. From that day on all I could think about was the baby growing inside of me. It was amazing. The throwing up wasn't great, but fortunately medicine eased that. The 9 months of pregnancy seem so far away. They were full of anticipation and excitement. I made countless lists and worried about all kinds of trivial things (like which crib, stroller, swing, car seat etc. would be best). I dreamed about my little Ella all day long. I remember lying in my bed alone one Sunday morning when I was about 22 weeks along. I was feeling the slight kicks and movement of my baby and it hit me that I was a mother. I loved my little daughter even though we had never met. On Tuesday February 10th when I went in to labor I couldn't believe that I was about to have a baby. I stopped worrying about parent teacher conferences, my student teacher, and sub plans. I just thought about my little girl. While I was in labor Ella's heart rate kept dropping. This continued on and off until it was time to push. After the first push her heart rate dropped significantly and I got incredibly scared. All I could do was pray that she would be fine. Three short pushes later I held my beautiful Ella. It almost didn't seem real: she was finally here. I had no idea what a toll labor would take on my body or emotions, but of course it was all worth it. I wanted to hold her all day long and just look at her. I was full of so much love for this beautiful girl. Unfortunately Ella's colic started at about 3 weeks, but fortunately I think it is over. It seems to have gotten better at about 2 1/2 months. Those nights full of screaming were so difficult. I would have done anything to relieve her pain. I tried everything I read about. The only thing that occasionally worked was bouncing her. I would bounce on my exercise ball for at least an hour at a time. Two weeks ago the crying stopped and we had an amazing week. I read a new parenting book and got Ella to sleep in her crib for naps and bedtime (before then she was sleeping in our arms or bed). This happened for just long enough to tease us. At the end of that amazing week I got Ella sick. She woke up Monday night not being able to breath. After feeding her I couldn't put her back in her crib because I was so worried about her. I took her down to her swing and slept (sort of slept) on the couch right by her side. Tuesday morning I couldn't bare to leave her. I called my substitute in a shaky voice as I tried to hold back tears. I got things worked out with the school and just held Ella for the rest of the day. I was miserable listening to her struggle. I wanted so desperately to help her get better. Unfortunately she still has her cold (I've still got it after 3 weeks), but she doesn't seem to be as bothered by it. I love Ella more than I ever could have imagined. It is so incredible to think that I am her mother. I've dreamed about being a mom for as long as I can remember and now I am. Motherhood is a role that affects every aspect of my life. There is nothing more important to me than being a mom. I feel like there is so much for me to learn, but I'm trying my hardest to be what Ella needs. I can't wait for school to end so I can be a full time mom again. I still look at her and almost can't believe that she is really my daughter. It is all so amazing to me.